Grammarly can jump off a cliff pt2
The continuing saga of just how bad Grammarly's advertising is
Not long after I started this blog, I wrote a piece about Grammarly. Specifically on their adverts, and how thoughtless use of such apps is ruining writing and the world in general. You can read the first piece here if you missed it.
It did occur to me that I might have been a little harsh. I posted it in a few places and got mixed responses — a lot of ‘we have to use it for work’, and ‘well, maybe it IS just a spellcheck, but what’s wrong with that?’
I shared the blog link with a close friend. She’s Northern (yes, capital N) and very much the kind of person I trust to tell me if I’m being a twat.
Well then, shall we continue? The last ad had James and Myra simping at each other over a new office, and an admittedly fantastic egg-related pun. Now, we start with a new campaign. Who will we meet today?
The voice-over tells us that this is the story of Dani (Danny? Dan-ee? Spelling unclear at this point). As expected, my google docs built-in spellchecker picks up that error. But would you really write “soon-to-be college graduate”? It’s a bit vague isn’t it? Would you not write “I’ll be graduating from college in August 2022” or whenever? Again, Grammarly seems to pick up typos, but has no sense about what actually makes good writing.
I digress, because this story doesn’t just involve Danni. We’re also introduced to…
This is Tyler. I hope I don’t seem judgemental, but he really does look like a total prick. The voice-over tells us that this advert is not only the story of Daani, but is specifically about how she ‘connects with’ Tyler, who is apparently ‘the key to her dream job’.
Is Grammarly suggesting that it’s a tool to help a young WOC overthrow the white-hetero-patriarchy? Because that might actually count in its favour. Otherwise, it just looks like they’re saying you need to suck up to untalented white guys. God forbid you write with character. I’ll move on.
“Our story begins in her head,” says Grammarly, “where she has many tabs open — Three of which will be pivotal!”
OK, remember that Daynee will soon be graduating college and is applying to her dream job. At least, I assume she’s applying. All she’s written so far is that she’s going to be graduating soon. Not much of an application is it? She’s already distracted by her countless open tab. Look, ADHD shouldn’t be a barrier to a successful career, but I’m concerned that Dhani thinks that yelling ‘I’ve been to college!’ is enough. In this economy? No sweetie, you need more than that.
Also, look back at that first image. She’s sat at a desk of some kind, right? You can’t see it, but the posture suggests so. Next scene:
They already used the effect/affect error in the previous ad, so I’m not going to go over that too much, other than to say that if your job involves writing for a living I’d hope you can tell the difference between verbs and nouns. So what does the voice-over say?
“The first — her senior thesis, about journalism’s effect on music”.
This is her senior thesis? Her dissertation, for UK readers? Dear reader, do you think she’s submitted it yet or not?
If she has, then that’s a pretty horrific error to leave in place. If she hasn’t, then why is she spell-checking it now, rather than once she’s finished?
Again, it’s a pretty badly written sentence. If you’re writing a thesis on the effect of music journalism on music, then I’d argue that the effect isn’t necessarily clear, because YOU’RE WRITING AN ENTIRE THESIS ABOUT IT. You don’t tend to write 10,000 words on ‘What colour are the keys on a piano’.
Also, why has she moved away from her desk and is now resting her laptop on a tiny stack of books? Why does she have headphones on, plugged into her keyboard? She’s not playing it — is she just listening to the demo track? I mean, fair’s fair, we all love a Sleng Teng riddim, but would you not listen to some actual tunes?
Finally, if that was an actual sentence in her thesis, why is it there? I’m trying to work out a title where you would use that in your introduction. Either you’re trying to pad out the word count — in which case ‘The effect of music journalism on the wider musical culture is clear, with a vast number of examples to choose from’ would be a better choice — or you’re trying to keep your word count down, in which case just cut it entirely. Does Grammarly not have an option for ‘this sentence is unnecessary, get rid of it’?
OK, it does. So…what was the point of that last edit? Also, what follows on from this sentence? Because if the paragraph reads:
“For all intents and purposes, this is true. However, in this specific case, we can see an alternative reading…”
I would argue that the beginning, as cliched as it is, serves a purpose. A simple “This is true” doesn’t actually convey the same meaning — it’s just a pointless statement of fact with no room for alternatives. If your aim is just to be concise, then what’s the point of a sentence that just says “this is true”? Are you stood in front of two doorways trying to decide which guard is the liar?
Anyway, it’s dark. Daynee has clearly been working for a while. But something is bothering me. Let’s look back at those brain-tabs we saw earlier.
IT’S THE SAME BLOODY PARAGRAPH. SHE’S BEEN EDITING IT FOR HOURS.
Side note: What exactly is her degree in? The keyboard suggested that she’s a music student, but this seems to be about music history or journalism. I don’t want to suggest that Grammarly just threw a bunch of relatable stuff together to appeal to a generic cool hip young audience, but…yeah, yeah I am.
Also — and it pains me to do this — we should look at that actual paragraph above. This is her final dissertation, a serious piece of work that she has been researching. She’s a final year student and has clearly written many essays before. She should know how to structure an argument. I’m going to write the whole thing out for those with poor eyesight/patience.
For many musicians, we can attribute their widespread success to one feature coming at the right time and the right place. Music journalism’s affect [sic] on music throughout history is clear. Sean Davis, noted modern music historian, describes this phenomenon as it pertains to the advent of electronic music. House music, according to Davis, grew out of the Chicago nightclub scene in the early 1980s. When we consider the historical context of the time, the evolving sense of community in urban environments, and the increasing globalism of pop music, it’s no wonder that House took such hold. Some music publications considered House Music to be disco’s ugly stepsister. But others, especially underground and up-and-coming journalists, saw its potential and ultimately opened the door for mainstream electropop. For all intents and purposes, music and the media surrounding music is as much a contributor to cultural change as politics or national tragedies.
What?
This is APPALLING writing. Each sentence seems completely disconnected from the previous one. There’s no attempt to build an argument or anything resembling a structure. We’re told that Davis “describes this phenomenon as it pertains to the advent of electronic music”, only to then be told that House grew out of the nightclub scene — which would seem to be the opposite. Why, to pick one example, are we placing a full stop after ‘stepsister’ when the next sentence would seem to flow more naturally without it? When describing House music, is the M capitalised as in the first use, or lower case as in the second? Why, if we’re talking about the effect of music journalism on music, does the last sentence bring the two together to compare them to national tragedies? Do I have to go back to talking about Fiddy using 9/11 to sell his booze again?
Also, it’s just historically inaccurate. Let’s say Chicago House began with the release of On & On in 1984 (debatable, but a fair starting point). Depeche Mode released ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ in September 1981. Does the fictional Sean Davis want to suggest that Chicago House influenced a song that came out three years before Chicago House was born? That’s some Primer-level time travel you’ve got there.
I know this is a freeze-frame of something that the Grammarly advertising team probably didn’t put much thought into, but that’s the whole point. These are the people that claim they can make your writing better, and they can’t even be bothered to write something that makes sense in their own adverts. Perfect spelling is useless if I can’t understand what you’re trying to say, or if it’s full of inaccuracies.
The ad continues. “Once she subtracts unnecessary words, and adds one necessary citation…”
“…it will earn her a degree that will hang right here.”
I’m starting to understand Grammarly and their approach to their users. This isn’t meant to be real. It’s a dream world where crazy things happen. That’s why everything has that washed out pastel tone. That’s why they think one appallingly written thesis is all it takes to get a degree. That’s why they think the words ‘degree’ and ‘certificate of achievement’ mean the same thing. That’s why they haven’t bothered to even put signatures on the degree — BECAUSE NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING. They assume that potential Grammarly users live in a fantasy world where Mr or Ms right is just around the corner waiting to sweep you off your feet, and your dream job will be offered to you because you wrote a really good post on Instagram.
“Second” — because don‘t forget, the thesis and degree were only one of the three pivotal things — “there’s the social media post, that she’ll write while here — at a concert for the band Concrete Sound. You haven’t heard of them.”
Well, we know why we haven’t heard of them. It’s because they don’t exist, because none of this is real. Although they are apparently a recording studio. Or maybe she means the hardcore band from Albany? Or maybe she means Musique concrète?
I’m now picturing the crowd above going wild to Karlheinz Stockhausen. Let’s move on.
She’s writing her review of the band on her Generic Social Media Platform while at the gig, right? Presumably on her phone. Fine. I assume she posted it as soon as the gig finished — after all, time is of the essence, and the whole point of social media is the immediacy of it. This is still a really poor choice of phrase. Putting aside that it’s an awful pun (and one which I’m sure will have been used before if Concrete Sound are big enough to play to such a huge audience) I just very much doubt it’s true. “Hard Rock” is a clear enough term. How are they giving new meaning to it? Bagpipes? Korn did that 20 years ago. This doesn’t read like a review, it reads like D4n33 is trying to suck up to their manager to get further access, or the lead singer’s home address. It reads like ‘my first ever gig review’. What kind of philistine would read this and think “Wow, this is good”?
No joke, Tyler actually says out loud “that’s goooooood”. Her post will apparently ‘reach’ Tyler.
How? Does he already follow her? Has someone shared it as an example of good writing? Because if so I would unfollow that person, and I would tell them why.
Is he a fan of the band? That might actually be a good technique — find out the personal interests of the hiring manager at your dream job, and then insinuate yourself into every aspect of their life. I feel like that’s more a job for LinkedIn than Grammarly though.
Have we worked out exactly what this Dream Job is yet? It must be writing related in some way, and presumably musical, but I’ve never seen a music journalist’s office look anything like that. For a start, where’s the communal stereo?
Tyler is so impressed that he then goes looking for Djanei’s other work, which brings him to her self-published article.
I still don’t think that Dhanej has actually contacted this workplace. She hasn’t filled in an application or sent a CV. She hasn’t even finished her degree yet. That initial sentence about being a ‘soon-to-be graduate’? Who was she sending that to? The ad suggests that she was ‘connecting’ with Tyler, but if that’s the case, why is he checking her social media posts instead of, say, the writing she submitted? Her thesis is 10,000 words of carefully edited prose and you’re looking at her drunken stories from last night? Who exactly is the stalker here?
Still, my eagle eyes spotted one thing:
Her self-published article — which I assume is on some fascinating website populated by high-quality writers — appears to be yet another review of a band. I’m going to guess it’s Concrete Sound, right?The Grammarly team wouldn’t have the wherewithal to come up with a second fake band.
It’s rare that someone can demonstrate how bad they are at writing in just seven words, but she manages. Surely the trumpets enter ‘with’ a triumphant cry? Surely — surely — she understands that ‘a successful cry’ is not a simile that anyone else could comprehend?
I get why Dani was using her phone at the gig, but why is she writing her self-published article there WHEN SHE HAS A PERFECTLY GOOD LAPTOP? Does she hate keyboards? Is she trying to get signed off with RSI?
Grammarly describes this sentence as “The perfect words to describe the perfect horn section, which will make Tyler feel this:”
So, putting aside the fact that she described the trumpets, and not a horn section, which would presumably have french horns, trombones etc:
Dani can’t write a usable simile without Grammarly choosing it for her.
The Grammarly ad team can’t think of good words to describe Tyler’s emotions, so they use visual imagery instead.
They’re trying to convey his amazement at her writing, and all I can see is a white guy with a visible erection perving over a random woman’s Medium account.
What happens next? Tyler HIRES HER!
Women — if you received an email from someone you’d never spoken to before saying “Hi, I read your thesis, and your Facebook posts, and your Medium account, and I’d like to offer you a job” would you call the police before or after changing your phone number?
I’m being pedantic, I know. This is a fake ad where a fake person gets a fake job at an unnamed, non-existent company. But let’s think for a second about what this is really saying.
If you want your dream writing job, don’t worry about writing clear, meaningful material. Don’t worry about trying to structure an argument, or building a portfolio of work. Don’t worry about networking, or even applying to companies. With Grammarly, you can just write any old shit, and we’ll polish it until it’s so good they’ll be contacting you out of the blue to offer you work.
I don’t think I’d want to live in that kind of world — a world where personality, effort and hard work are beaten because someone else paid for the right monthly subscription. How about you Dani?
Well, I hope she’s happy. Still, at least I don’t have to deal with Tyler anymore. I wonder who the next advert is about?
Oh.
*sad trumpet noises*
Grammarly pt 3 coming soon. It won’t work out well for Tyler. Follow me here and on twitter @CommsIsAwful to be notified.